20 years ago

was the worst day of my life. This is all I remember of it.

I was in Winter Park with my family on a ski trip. It was snowing, really really snowing. We had decided to call it an early day as the snow was so heavy you could hardly see in front of you. We were driving back to our condo, my dad was the lead car followed by my aunts & uncles. Not quite sure of the order other than my uncle Todd & aunt Liz were behind us followed up last by my uncle Mark as he had a truck. Just in case any of us got stuck in the snow. I was sitting in the car behind my mom, passenger side, looking out the back driver side window. The snow was amazing. I was looking out at horses. That is the last thing that I remember.

There are bits and pieces that I remember of the events after the accident. But, my memory doesn't seem to match up with anyone else's. I remember briefly waking up in my aunt Liz's car with her don't remember saying anything maybe I did, then I was out again. I remember waking up briefly in the hospital in Silver Creek, just in time to have them cut off my clothes in a room full of doctors and nurses. Lovely for a 15 year old girl to do. (I still had the bloody cut up clothes until last summer.)

I remember the long ambulance ride from Silver Creek to Denver with a snow plow in front making way for us.

And, I remember the moment that I realized my mom was not around. I remember having to say the words out loud asking my dad if mom was alive. And, I remember him breaking down, hanging his head. Honestly, I don't remember if or what he said if anything.

All the moments following. Doctor consultations, surgery, uncovering the badges, my sister and grandma trying to comb thru my hair (this was a task with curly hair half way down my back), seeing my sister for the first time, seeing my grandparents for the first time, all the plane rides back and forth from GI to Denver, not being able to eat solid food, sharing a bed with my dad for weeks, the rosary, the funeral, the rain, the cold, re-learning how to live without the most important person in my life a the time.

As I process my day and this post. Man, am I still messed up! I have so many random thoughts, that I do not have the time or patience to figure out how to express them.

I am who I am. It is what it is. I continue to work on trying to being a good mom, wife, sister, friend, employee, and most importantly a Christian.

This is not the end of my thoughts, but it's all I can handle right now. I have the rest of my life to work on this. 20 years, wow. It seems like it was just yesterday and yet a lifetime ago.

Two things that I do know. Life is short, you never know. And, if you are a mom, take more pictures of yourself! As I try to find pictures of my mom I struggle. I think don't I have anything that is not so out-dated. Then I have to remind myself it has been 20 years. But, she also did not like to have her picture taken. That makes me sad. I wish I had more of her. So, moms, get out from behind the camera every once in awhile.